Monday, June 1, 2009

Top 5 things not to do when you have food poisoning

This weekend I had the pleasure of getting food poisoning. It really is one of the greatest crash weight loss diets. My journey started with a misguided lunch at a not-so-reputable sushi establishment. The poisoning didn't take hold right away, it took its sweet time. The first two days after the lunch I felt mostly O.K. Strangely enough I hadn't "gone" in those days and I had been gaining 2-3 pounds per day; that's weird. The third day I started to feel really bloated, like dangerously bloated, like if bumped into a sharp object I might pop bloated.

I will pause here to review the top five mistakes I made during this recent bout of food poisoning:

1. Thinking it was constipation
2. On the third day eating, half a steak sandwich (not smart)
3. A bag of dried apples (bad)
4. A carton of cherries (bad)
5. Drinking half a pint of prune juice (really bad)

I thought I was constipated. After pumping up the pressure in my belly by a factor of 10 and adding a catalytic amount of prune juice it was time... Double digit trips to the bathroom wasn't enough to stop this beast. It must have been the early rays of sun that finally scared this thing away.

Do not, under any circumstances, drink prune juice; ever. If you think you have food poisoning...DO NOT EAT FOOD.

I have been able to identify real.


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4 comments:

  1. ZachJune 1, 2009 at 10:30 AM

    Looks like you could use some comments.

    I had an interesting lunch discussion over which was worse, food poisoning shits or pickled habanero shits. One is like shitting fire with glass shards in your stomach. The other is like shitting glass shards on fire.

    I don't recommend either.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Faraday's ShadowJune 2, 2009 at 3:07 PM

    I don't know which would be worse. Habanero and food poisoning, now that's like shitting molten glass from both ends.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJune 2, 2009 at 3:55 PM

    I also had food poisoning two weeks ago. My parents just recovered from a bout over Memorial weekend. Coincidence?

    ReplyDelete
  4. ZachJune 3, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    The habanero food poisoning combination is impossible. First, a pickled habanero will kill anything smaller than it in a within a 12 foot radius, so no food poisoning bacteria to worry about. Second, if you managed to get some weird habanero-resistant strain of bacteria, habanero food-poisoning would be a double negative, and we all know that is a positive. So you probably shit gold bricks or something. Or molten gold. You're welcome to experiment with that. I get half the profits though.

    ReplyDelete

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